Relationship Anger
Surviving the Aftermath: Getting Your Partner to Talk After a Fight
Someone once said: “It’s easier to find the number 32 on a calendar than talking to my partner a fight.” This rings true for most couples as, after a fight, there are still feelings of hurt and anger than linger around, clouding rational thinking. Though fighting is a normal part of any relationship, you should always bear in mind that the period right after a fight is most often a “make or break point” - that is to say, it often decides whether or not you both can move on from the issue, or if you’re only going to pick it up in your next argument.
Of course, it’s hard to know what you should do or say next because your partner doesn’t want to talk and you’re already treading on eggshells as it is. Here are some tips that you should remember to help you through the minefield:
Keep your distance for a while.
This is probably the most crucial step because it allows for some breathing room and space for both of you to calm to down. Go into the next room, step out of the house for a while, or just making sure that there is some distance between the two of you allows, not only your partner, but yourself to be able to sort out the onslaught of thoughts and feelings that were muddled during the fight. You can then come back when you are both more rational and calm about things.
Apologize sincerely.
The keyword here is sincerity. Saying things that you know your partner just wants to hear, or things like “If you hadn’t done this…”, or “If you weren’t like that…” are never good things to say. These will just either spark up the argument again, or cause your partner to clam up even more. Take the high road, swallow your pride, and say you’re sorry. You can always soften the blow to your ego by mentioning that he or she has faults, too - but do it subtly and not in the way that it highlights your partner's faults (i.e. bluntly, brutally, cruelly). Accepting that both of you had a hand in the fight is a good way to show that you are still partners and equals in the relationship.
Find your compromises.
No one wants to go through the same old argument again, so make sure to set down compromises between the two of you to make sure of it. Be honest, direct, and firm. Make sure that you follow whatever compromises you set down, and find a way to meet your partner's, as well.
Remind your partner how you feel.
Say “I love you.” No matter how cheesy or corny it sounds, it reminds him or her of how you really feel and how important your partner is in your life. No amount of fighting can change that.
Go out of your way.
This sounds a bit like bribery, but there is no way better to get your relationship back on the right track faster. Know what your partner's weak spots are and get your game on. If she has a sweet tooth, get a small tub of ice cream and share it. If he likes movies, go and rent some old romantic classics and cuddle up in front of the couch. You get the idea. Make it into a small, intimate activity where you can reaffirm and strengthen your bond once again.
Never be afraid to fight with your partner because, usually, this is where the most honest and true emotions are let out and the negative ones are purged. True, there might be feelings of hurt and anger, but if your relationship is strong, there is not reason not to be able to get through it. Remember, it is never the emotions that matter - it's how you handle them.