Good Relationships
Nothing Good Comes Easily: How to Handle Your Partner’s Shortcomings
Most people’s presumption about being in a relationship is that it guarantees happiness. Although this may be true, it doesn’t come easily. Being in a relationship is like going for a drive. So if the relationship is likened to the journey, you are the driver, your partner is the road, and the car is your attitude towards your partner.
So what happens in a drive? You prepare your food, your clothes, and your other necessities, but you can never prepare for the imperfections of the road, no matter how good the shock absorbers of your car are. Roads always have any of the three – humps, cracks, or holes. The key is to know how to drive through those imperfections, so that you’ll arrive at your destination with you and your car still in good condition.
Humps
Humps purposely placed at strategic spots in order to slow down motorists. Your partner’s shortcoming may come in the form of humps – excess attitudes that may be good at the beginning of your journey, but will inevitably irritate you if there are too many of them throughout the drive.
One example of a hump is a person’s effort to seem mysterious. This hump slows you down because it forces you to be careful, which may be a good thing. However, while being mysterious may be good at the beginning of a relationship because it could be an encouragement for you to keep going, an excessively mysterious facade may be tiresome for you.
Imagine driving for an hour and at every third meter there is an unforgiving hump; you’ll have been going too slowly with less and less hope of reaching your destination before nightfall. If this went on for another minute, nobody can blame you if you take a U-turn and go somewhere else.
Your partner may have put on his/her humps for good reasons, but if you both really want to pursue this relationship, you have to accomplish these goals:
1. Find out why your partner wants you to slow down.
2. Assure your partner that you have no bad intentions in driving.
3. Realize together that although both of you need to protect yourselves from bad experiences you’ve had before, this is a new journey and it will not do any good if you both let the past overshadow this experience.
Cracks
Cracks are little imperfections that develop over time because of natural causes like a quick change of weather from too sunny to rainy. The matter that composes the road shatters; thus, cracks form. Your partner’s shortcomings may come in the form of cracks – attitude problems, or wounds that still haven’t healed because of past experiences.
A good example of a crack is a person’s uncanny capacity for jealousy. It may be because of a past experience with a philanderer. So you can’t blame your partner for cracks acquired not as a choice but as a consequence. However, while cracks may seem minuscule and unimportant at the beginning of a relationship, a road with too many and too wide cracks could force you to, again, take a U-turn and go somewhere else. Therefore, big or small, the cracks have to be fixed.
Your partner has lived quite long before you came into his/her life. You might be right in saying you know your partner well, but you can never be sure if you know all the reasons why your partner is who he/she is. So if you still want to pursue the relationship despite the stress of having driven over so many cracks, you have to accomplish these goals:
1. Talk to your partner and find out how and why he/she got the cracks. If the reason for the cracks is your partner’s choice, then you need to tell your partner that it’s only doing the relationship harm. But if the cracks are only a consequence of your partner’s past experiences, then proceed to the next item.
2. Give your partner enough time to heal, and never rush your partner into having a “quick draft” kind of wellness because chances are only the top part of the cracks are fixed, while there remains damage underneath.
3. Promise your partner and yourself that you won’t cause your partner’s wounds to re-open and worsen.
Holes
Holes are road imperfections caused by incessant heavy traffic or erosion over time. Your partner’s shortcomings may come in the form of holes – big wounds from too many bad experiences.
A good example of a hole is a person’s over-dependence. This may be because of past experiences wherein your partner has always been left behind by those whom he/she loved – parents, siblings, partners, etc. While dependence on you may be good because it could give you a sense of responsibility and maturity, too much of this feeling could lead you to feel smothered. Too many holes in a road could force you to, again, take a U-turn, and go somewhere else.
Your partner surely didn’t choose to be imperfect. It’s just that he/she had too many bad experiences. You might view this as a very bad picture, but you have to see the other side of the coin – you have to give your partner credit for always having tried. Why else would the two of you be together if your partner has stopped trying?
If it was worth your while to decide to start this journey in the first place, you might as well make sure that it will be worth all the effort. So to keep the relationship worth trying and fighting for, you have to accomplish these goals:
1. Talk to your partner to find out just how damaged he/she is because knowledge is always the first step in fixing anything. Once you know the extent of your partner’s problems, then you will have an idea what to do.
2. Depending on what you find out in the first step, you will have to make the necessary actions. One foolproof advice is that you have to give your partner time to heal, and time to adjust to the new picture – the one with you in it. But be gentle and patient – or else, you might cause yet another hole.
3. Make your partner understand that your relationship is composed of two people – you and your partner. The responsibility, then, of making the relationship healthy and life-giving rests on both of you. Your partner’s past may have really been hell, but you have to make your partner understand that you are a different person – a new motorist who has the right to know what kind of road is ahead and the responsibility to drive as carefully as necessary so that both of you don’t cause each other harm.
The bottom line is that no road is perfect, no motorist is accident-proof, and no car stays in good condition forever. Road signs have to be put up to warn you what lies ahead. If there isn’t any, you will have to come out of your car and find out for yourself the condition of the road ahead of you so that you’ll know just how to drive.
The most important thing to remember here is that you and your partner want this relationship to be life-giving so that you’ll both be happy. That is your ultimate goal. And you can’t get anywhere near your destination if you keep taking U-turns!