Are You In It for the Long Haul?
by PaulaH
The longest surviving marriage to date is 86 years, with the man being 100 years old and the woman 99 years old. Assuming that you do get to live that long, do you see yourself spending that much time with your significant other? You can read dozens of books and articles about making relationships last, but in reality, there is only one question to ask, and that is: "How badly do you want to?" Here are the most common points often discussed about making relationships last:
"Communication is the key."
One of the reasons why "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" written by Dr. John Gray is a bestseller is that it recognizes the fact that though your partner uses the same words, these words actually have entirely different meanings for him or her. This means that you can talk until you're both blue in the face, but if neither of you wants to understand what the other is saying, it's just white noise.
"Money shouldn't be an issue."
This only applies if you don't mind going hungry, living with your in-laws, or doing without a few things. You can talk about it and lessen the burden and stress of worrying about it on your own, lay down rules about it, or even make some sort of business-like arrangement regarding your finances, but many relationships DO suffer because of money issues. They say "Man cannot live on bread alone." But have you tried living without it?
"Learn to compromise."
The legal terms "psychological incapacity" and "irreconcilable difference "are subject to statutory construction, but these did not materialize from thin air. There is a thin line that separates compromise and forcing change. Now if you've bent over backwards until you look like a pretzel and made all the reasonable compromises that you are willing and able to make, maybe this is not the lasting relationship that is meant for you. It could be time to move on. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you or your significant other, per se; it just means that you may not be right for each other, and staying in a relationship that "might still work" could be keeping you from finding one that actually will.
"Therapy and counseling."
Most advertisements say "great success rate", or sometimes, "greater than 75% to 80%." What you have to realize is that many therapy and counseling services are either selling you something, or can be self-serving in some other way. It will cost you one way or another. A bump on this road, you also need to know, is that according to the therapists themselves, the key for therapy to work is to find a therapist/counselor that you like and have a connection with. They call it the "perfect fit." Doesn't that kind of sound like looking for that special someone to you want to have a lasting relationship with?
"Fulfill each other's needs." VS "Don't expect your partner to fill up the holes in your life."
One train of thought tells you that you should know what your partner needs and do your best to fulfill them, every day (Dr. Phil McGraw). Another tells you that you should empower yourself rather than look to your partner to "save" you. You should be complete in yourself, and not look for someone to complete you (Dr. M. Jay Fibus). So what is it, really?
The Real Reason Why Relationships Last
For you to find the best reasons why relationships last is about as hard as finding the perfect partner: what is enough for some may not be enough for you. What can be agreed on based on almost all the writing on this topic is that is that making a relationship last depend your commitment to it, no matter what the reason.