the answer is three-fold. First of all, how you know work is getting done is that the situation either becomes more of what you want or that you are happier and more at peace regardless of the situation.

Second, work does not get done by itself. You have to do the emotional work, or emotional growing, intentionally, or it does not get done. And you can use the relationship to help you do the work, to be your practice ground, and that is one of the things relationships are great for.

Third, in our culture people who want to feel good all the time, and run from pain and hard emotional work. On the other hand, we have a subset of people who believe that emotional work and relationships are only valid and worth having if there is pain. The reality of life is that not all pain is necessary, and that if you do indeed want to grow in a relationship or in a relational dimension, you don’t necessarily need to be in pain and it does not necessarily need to be hard all of the time. In fact, one way you know you are growing emotionally is that you are able to feel deeper joy more of the time.

I wonder if this is a dating situation you are asking about. If it is, know that you can feel love for someone and yet know that the person is not right for you, and if that is the case you may need to leave instead of suffering. Take a look at my Whom Are You Dating eCourse to learn to distinguish the right match from the person who is not right for you.